The Threesypeasy way to throw a kids party.

There comes a time when every parent faces the reality that they will probably have to throw a kids party. Maybe you will be strong enough to avoid such an event for the time being but eventually it is going to happen and you will not be able to escape it.

I have recently, joyfully assembled thrown together a party for the eldest child’s 4th birthday. She had been talking about a party for weeks, so folding under the pressure and with misguided confidence I decided to have a go. Seriously how hard can this be I thought?

Based on my experience I would  like to share the Threespeasy way to throw a kids party.

Before you start

Do not proceed with party planning until the ‘Post Party Reward’ has been established. There are various combinations ranging from Wine and chocolate, cup of tea and cake, rom com and special ice cream. Whatever it is, identify it, it will be needed, IT WILL GET YOU THROUGH.

Hello my friends, I look forward to our meeting.
‘Post party reward’; Ben & Jerry’s and a bottle of red

The Ideas

Convincing yourself that you have the party planning skills of the Middleton’s and the cake making skills of Mary Berry, you believe your party will be the party that shits on all other kids parties in the world ever. You imagine dancing unicorns, a Dora impersonator running around skipping, kittens playing, a 5 tier frozen cake, doves delivering party invitations, a buffet that would make Annabel Karmel feel pathetic and party bags full of special and unique trinkets from far of lands.

Reality hits and you realise you have two weeks to do this, a teeny budget and adding in that it is impossible to get anything done whilst looking after three kids. Panic sets in. You resort to a trolley dash round the local 99p store buying any form of crap you can get your hands on.

Your theme is simply based on available stock at said 99p store and whatever you can lay your hands on in Home Bargains. Be extremely grateful that the birthday girl was born just before Halloween and manipulate her into thinking a Halloween theme party will be so cool.

Send quick text invitations out whilst bathing the kids and hope that everyone can make it.


You’ve left it too late to book a venue so you decide on having it at home. Anyways it wont take much to get the house into shape and anyways who wants to pay a load of money out on expensive venues that you can only hire out for about two minutes.

Have a small panic when you realise how many unfinished jobs there are around the house, due to kids getting in the way, then write a list about what needs to be done before the big day. You haven’t managed to complete them in the past four years but of course you can get them finished in the next two weeks.

Completely freak out how the house is crap and not ‘kids party friendly’.

Duration and timings

Dependant upon age and routine you pick your best times, avoiding the time zones of hell; the witching hour and the hour before afternoon nap. Nobody wants to get caught in the melt-down domino rally; when one goes the rest go. Handling your own kids melt down is bad enough, you do not want a house full of them.

Decide that two hours of kids running around off their tits on sugary crap is all that can be managed. This also ensures that you can get everyone out the house before the cake, jelly and red pop comedown [shudders at thought].


Bake your own cake because you will never learn and you are completely stupid. Firstly, because you have to bake this cake when the kids are around and they want to help. You try to explain that they cannot stick their fingers in this one and we really don’t want egg-shell in there this time. Lose temper, tell them to go watch telly and feel really guilty about it later in the evening.

Secondly, you will never admit the fact that you are not Mary Berry, your sponge will never have a light and airy texture and you have no sugar craft skills what so ever.

You beat yourself up because you cannot produce a show stopper.

Ta da...check out the sunken Olaf
Ta da…check out the sunken Olaf.

The birthday girl will never really understand how much effort and time went into the cake making and will only remember her mum getting arsey because a snowflake decoration was pinched.

Fuck you Mary. Would’ve been better off going to Asda

Party bags

Shove lots of edible and non edible crap into cheapo handmade party bags (well, printed picture and stuck to paper bag kind of handmade). The kids love this shit; the cheaper the better. Stick with your theme but remember the golden rule of themes – base theme on whatever stock currently held in the local 99p store and Home Bargains.

Thank the lord for pound shops and discount stores.

Cheap crap in bags hand-made by yours truly


Throw party themed decorations all over the house at 11.30 the night before the party and bitch about the other half because he’s given up and gone to bed. Bastard.

Poundland has spued all over my house, incorporated with a few handmade pumpkin decorations (bottom right) from our recent pleasant craft session. NOT

Hide unfinished jobs with theme related decorations and pat yourself on the back for being so creative.

Home made ghost hiding unfinished job.
Home made ghost hiding unfinished job.

Final pre-party touches

Check the loo for cleanliness as you never know what could be waiting to say hello to your guests. Wipe round door handles just to make sure they are not sticky and shove all stuff that you haven’t managed to clear away into laundry basket/plastic bag and hide away in your bedroom.

Have small breakdown at other half for not understanding how stressful party planning is and dumping his crap in places you’ve just cleaned.

Mutter to yourself about how you bet Carole Middleton never had to put up with this shit.

During the Party

Realise you have no authority and control and rounding up the screaming kids to do planned party games just seems impossible.

Manage to do two out of the four planned games; one of which you couldn’t be arsed with and the other you have no fucking clue where it went, so seems to be lost.

There is no time to make home-made burgers with spaghetti hair and vegetable faces; there is never time for this shit. So throw a few different kinds of pizza accompanied with garlic bread and nachos onto the table for the lovelies to devour.

Add in token pieces of fruit so that the buffet looks a bit better and gives the impression that you don’t always eat shove in oven stuff.

Do not offer any ice cream as you are saving it for yourself later. Besides they’ll be getting an amazing cake soon.

Wonder what the fuck made you think you could cope with a kids party whilst stepping in something wet and sticky on route to grabbing two paracetamol because your head is ringing.

Realise you have not had one conversation with an adult or anything to eat due to running around after sodding kids for two hours. Then realise this is no different to any other day.

Post Party

Collapse on sofa with items identified in ‘Post Party Reward’. Talk with your other half about how amazing it was to see the kids having a great time and how it melts your heart when they tell you how great you are for giving them an amazing party.

Agree it was so worth the effort.

Apologise to him for being a neurotic twat and after sinking a bottle of wine agree that just the five of us will go out for the day next year and we will stop by Asda on way back to buy a cake.

Fall into red wine and Ben & Jerry coma.

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