DAY 1 – SATURDAY
It was thought that today would be a chilling out day, staying in pj’s, snuggling on the settee with a Disney film. With no battles over getting out the door for the school run, what could be better, just perfect. However Mummy’s expectations of chilling were completely different to that of the children. The children’s idea of a chilled out day was quite honestly a load of bollocks.
The children decided that they would spend most of the morning running around like idiots, squabbling over random shit and having meltdowns over the choice of film (that we were supposed to sit and chill in front of which never happened). Eventually their Dad came back from work (thank fuck) and took us all out for a walk – to the local, for pop and crisps (no one could be arsed to walk any further and I was in no frame of mind to take bikes or scooters ANYWHERE, so to the pub it was). I sat in the corner with a large glass of wine while he spent most of his time chasing the kids round whilst trying to drink his pint muttering, ‘can I just have two minutes,’ – welcome to my life I thought. We then got as much alcohol down our necks while the kids ate their crisps. Then it was off home to feed the children, put them to bed and drink more wine.
DAY 2 – SUNDAY
Ok, as we are stuck in the house, lets bake some cakes (twat). After a lot of scrapping over the type of cake, we decided on making two cakes, (twat) a banana one and an apple one, which I cleverly managed to negotiate, which would utilise the partially gone off fruit in the fruit bowl. Small win of the day. Go me.
After an hour of sticking fingers in the mix, eating most of the ingredients, scrapping over mixing spoons, I sent them off for some ‘free play’ time, which in our house means, ‘tip-all-games-out-of-their-boxes, empty-the-toy-box and smother-the-floor-with-duplo,’ time, while I cleaned up the carnage in the kitchen and threw some chicken and bits into a casserole dish then banged it in the oven. Daddy eventually got back from work to the site of naked children running amok because I had officially given up on them and turned my focus on trying to make a half decent meal. I instantly ran out the door because I needed to run an important errand (drive to shop to fetch wine). We had a family dinner which was actually pretty lovely, everyone enjoyed the chicken concoction and the children were actually quite pleasant. It was off to bed for them and afterwards I fell into a small wine and cake coma on the settee.
DAY 3 – MONDAY
It was off to Nannies today while Mummy visited the doctor for the dreaded smear test – Urgh. She then realised that it would it give her the chance to read a magazine in the waiting room and it would be half an hour off, so the unpleasantness of the smear was well worth the peace. Mummy was now actually looking forward to her smear! She would also sneak in a walk round town to pick up a few bits for the school girls birthday. Mummy was feeling quite positive.
After a semi-successful trip round town with a couple of items for birthday not collected (no problem I thought, as this would give me an excuse to dive out the house at some point before Friday – yay), I picked the kids up and spent the rest of the day refereeing squabbles, shouting ‘share’ at them all and clearing up piss and shit because the toddler wouldn’t keep his nappy on, or any of his clothes. I briefly thought about having a good go at potty training him this week and then slapped myself in the face for being such a twat. I am definitely not ready for potty training just yet, it will have to wait. As things got a bit hectic, I became quite desperate and decided to carve the pumpkins. I thought this might give them something to do and maybe focus their relentless energy. Stupid. Cue, ‘urgh this is all slimy, it stinks. I want to use the knife, I don’t like my pumpkin, can I have a different pumpkin, muuurrm Oscar has got my spoon’. After the meltdown over the prohibited use of said knife and the toddler lobbing pumpkin guts at the dogs everything Halloween was officially cancelled. They were all starting to get right on my tits.
DAY 4 – TUESDAY
Mummy was glad to be going to see her friend, she needed some adult company. The children did not deserve to go and play with their friend due to the hideousness that was the morning – a graffitied door handle, a porridge throwing incident and a getting dressed battle. There were many threats made that morning and Mummy proved to the children how weak she was by not following through on her consequences all because she so desperately looked forward to being made a coffee and a cheese batch.
It was good to get out of the house and have a good moan about the children. They were quite happy playing and left myself and my friend to natter and eat cake. When ever they approached us, we threw Haribo at them so they would bugger off and leave us alone. The afternoon was pretty much the same, shouting ‘share’ and cleaning up piss. Eventually it was bed time. Horah.
DAY 5 – WEDNESDAY
This was maybe a good time to do homework thought Mummy. Holy crap she thought as she realised what she had to do…..’a journal, Autumn sums, a sodding nature walk and an Autumn collage’. She wonders if this essential. Phrases such as ‘maybe you could’ or ‘perhaps have a go’ are used which clearly means ‘do you want to be that crap mum that doesn’t have a go at all the activities….just think how you’d feel at the school gate…..shameful isn’t it really’. So obviously we’re gonna do it all.
We make up our diary for the week so far and somehow I become surrounded by glitter, glue and cut up bits of paper. I get out crayons and the next minute I’m surrounding by sodding glitter. Every fucking time! We soon get fed up then it’s off to chuck another box of toys out all over the living room floor. I suddenly remember I need to order an Asda shop to get all the crap for the birthday on Friday. So I do this on my phone while I follow the kids round telling them to ‘share’, asking them to pick stuff up and shouting ‘NO’. Maybe we need to get out and have a walk – let’s do our Autumn walk and take the dogs out. Desperate to get out I took them out with scooters. As always there was whining, threats of scooters going in the bin and there was no sodding nature spotting.
Daddy comes home and is given no choice but to take over the situation while mum runs out to pick up stuff for the birthday, the children were still wild and out of control. I had saved my wild card for this very kind of moment and I was blooming well using it.
DAY 6 – THURSDAY
Today mummy was relieved that she would only be in charge of one child while the other two were taken to Disney on ice. Horah for aunties. Good chance to get everything sorted for the birthday she thinks but after knobbing about in the pound shop buying crap and a trip to pizza hut (a little treat for myself and the youngest) the house is still a tip and the cake was not going to bake itself. She wonders what she was thinking when she said the eldest could have a party. Clearly she hadn’t forgotten last year’s attempt. What is wrong with mummy?
After an afternoon of mob rule while mummy runs around sorting stuff like baking a cake, the children eventually went to bed. I was up till midnight wrapping presents, icing a cake and organising stuff. I finally went to bed, moderately pissed, wondering what the fuck got into me when I thought cinema and pizza at home with 13 kids was a good idea.
DAY 7 – FRIDAY
After a terrible sleep the birthday girl was awake it 6am full of excitement about her birthday. Mummy just wished she would fuck of back to bed so she could get a bit more kip.
From when I stepped out of bed, until the kids went to bed, I ran around like a arse. The house was buzzing with sugar high kids and balloons – a lethal combination. It was chaos. The birthday girl had an amazing day and she never stopped smiling all day. The house was trashed scattered with parts of her birthday presents, I was very tired but they all had a fab time. Totally worth it. I got very drunk in the evening to dull the ringing in me ears. I again decided that I’m not doing that again, regardless of the fun had. Knowing full well I probably will.
DAY 8 – SATURDAY
Mummy spent most of the day dying. Birthday girl had spent most of the night puking and in our bed. Today was going to be a test of strength.
Today was all about survival. The telly was turned on and we hit the sofa. There is little else to report. There are just no words.
DAY 9 – SUNDAY
Mummy finds herself awake at 4.am with a child either side of her. She tries to explain that it is not morning and that we need to get some more sleep. She curses the changing clocks and daddy for having to leave for work at silly o’clock. Sleep attempts are abandoned at 6am and we commence a Disney film marathon. Mummy eagerly awaits daddy’s return.
Finally daddy returns at 11am which feels like 6pm in the evening due to the ridiculous wake up time. We muster up the enthusiasm to get out the house and decided it’s time for a lovely ‘Autumn walk’. The toddler is not in agreement with this decision and spends the whole walk crying. We foraged for coloured leaves, berries and pine cones for as long as the toddler would allow whilst trying to dodge the cow shit at all times. It was then back home for a nice cooked dinner, bit of reading as we’d completely forgot books over the past week. Bed for the children and more wine for the parents. It was a similar evening to the previous night; in bed with a puking child.
DAY 10 – MONDAY
Having very little sleep due to the toddler now puking from the early hours of the morning, Mummy knew this was going to be a long day. There was still ‘home sodding learning’ to do and the house was beginning to smell a bit off. It was the last day of the holiday, it was the final furlong, it was nearly over.
I spent the day running from one sick toddler to supervising Autumn collages at the table. The house was a state covered in autumn leaves and glitter – at last she had completed her work and was very proud of it. Halloween came and went due to the health of the household and the two mouldy pumpkins were chucked in the bin. Curtains were drawn tightly and lights were turned off as to not time be disturbed by the happy healthy people celebrating halloween. We shut up shop and were all set for an early night.
Little did we know we were in for another night of puking and it was to spread through the rest of the house.
All in all, it was probably the most tiring week ever. It had its quality moments and it had its down right crap moments. Such is life I suppose. Big girl was excited to go back to school and see her friends while the rest of the house recovered from this awful stomach bug.
Ironically, I am desperate to be back on the school run again as this bug is awful. I will never moan about the school run AGAIN.