The Perfect Mothers Club


Minimum qualifications are Degrees/Masters/PHD. These are clearly required to make responsible choices for our children and our family. Having three kids in three years is irresponsible parenting and inappropriate.

Knowledge and understanding of Co – sleeping, Baby wearing, Attachment Parenting, Montessori, Helicoptering and Ferberizing will enable you to contribute to our discussions on best practice.

Anachronisms must be used at all time. Fluent DD, DS, DH, DP, EBF, TTC is favoured.

One must breast feed only. Bottle feeding must be looked down upon at all times. This approach is clearly to the detriment of the child.

Healthy Annabel Karmel approved finger nibbles only. Approved snacks include Papaya, Avocado and Kumquat sticks. No biscuits, Quavers or Freddos are allowed.

Craft time is essential. Messy play including painting, gluing and play-doh is a must. Those of you who do not encourage these due to potential mess that may occur will be asked to leave.

When tantrums occur, we must stop what we are doing and stare in horror. No support should be offered. Bad behaviour from the child reflects the parenting decisions, and will therefore be asked to leave.

We encourage peaceful parenting and emotional connection. We do not approve of yelling at our children from the other side of the room. You do not lose your patience and will remain calm and elegant and at all times. We encourage natural consequences and we will not tolerate briberies. Under no circumstances must we WING IT.

Those of you wearing jogging bottoms or vomit stained leggings will be refused entry. NO SLIPPERS UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. Hair must be styled or swept back in an elegant chignon; no messy buns. It is asked that make up be worn at all times; minimal requirement mascara and cover up.

You will refrain from drinking alcohol and you must go to bed at a responsible time so that you are able to give 100% to your family. Tiredness, hangovers are frowned upon. You must remember that you have lost your identity and your serve at your children’s leisure. Hobbies and interests are discouraged as this takes your attention away from parenting.

Only photos that capture the joy of motherhood are permitted. Under no circumstances must we publish material to suggest otherwise.

If you feel you meet the above requirements then please feel free to join. Please expect to be excluded from the perfect mother clique for a period of 12 months. If your performance is deemed satisfactory, you will be asked to host a play date where you, including your home and hosting skills, will be assessed.

We reserve the right to judge you at all times.

Life with Baby Kicks

5 thoughts on “The Perfect Mothers Club

    1. Thanks x I have repeatedly tried to be a member but am a bit useless. I wrote this a while ago when I was having a ‘god I’m rubbish week’. Happy to be an outside! Haha x

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Ah well I make it on about 50% of them and I’d give myself an A for effort at least 🙂 I needed to read this after my rubbish afternoon where everyone got shouted at and I threw a gingerbread biscuit at the door (a homemade one to give me perfect mother status for a second, before I lost my temper in the kitchen and hid and threw it!!)


    1. Oh don’t talk to me about baking fails! It always seems like a good idea but just ends up in complete carnage. I am consistently trying to be part of the club but never quite make the cut. Wrote this after a horrendous week … A little rant and arrrr that’s better x thanks for reading


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